How Ryan Met Moxie

2008-07-31T21:00:00.000-04:00

Moxie, if you have never heard of it before (which would not be much of a surprise), is the oldest soft drink still currently bottled in the US. It has a very distinctive flavor. Almost as distinctive as its following. A following which puts on a festival in the small town of Lisbon Falls every year.

My friend Erik from college, who originally grew up in New England, brought this beverage to my attention. Since it is not sold in New Jersey (except in a very few exclusive locations), I had never heard of the drink before. One time, he came back from home with a few bottles of Moxie. I was not the first of his friends to try it, and I knew something was up when he and a bunch of other people were trying to convince me to try this wonderful beverage.

I could see by the look on their faces that they were trying to trick me into drinking something which was not going to be pleasant. Luckily for them, simply knowing it was a trap stood no chance of stopping me.

So I pour myself out some Moxie. I take a sip of it. I swallow. I wish I could tell you what I thought Moxie tasted like. Immediately after drinking it, all recollection of its actual taste disappeared as an aftertaste filled my mouth. You know the smell of burnt tire rubber? That's basically what I was now tasting. It was as if they took tires, melted them down, carbonated it, and put it in a bottle. I would not go so far as to call it the most vile thing I had ever ingested, but it was up there.

Moxie does strange things to people. So some friends tried it and their first instinct was to spread it. It's something viral that way. "Wow, this is the worst soda I've ever had, I've got to make other people drink this!" The same sort of mentality took over me. This is something which everyone should try at least once.

The next time my friend went back home, I asked him to bring me some Moxie cans. I kept them in my fridge for a while, just waiting for the best time to spring them on some unsuspecting victims. The first person I gave it to tried it and liked it. Maybe it's just taking a second for the aftertaste to kick in. He finished off the entire can. I could not believe it. How could someone actually like this drink? It was vile! Worst of all, I did not get to see the look of disgust on his face. Part of the joy of giving this drink to someone is seeing their reaction when they realize how revolting it is.

I only had one can left at this point. I did not want to waste it by just giving it to someone who would actually enjoy it. So rather than just give it to one person, I decided instead to give a bunch of people drinks of Moxie at once. So late one night when a bunch of us were gathered in a friend's room, I poured out samples of Moxie into Dixie Cups for the 5 of us. I have no idea why I decided to pour some out for myself as well. Maybe I did not want them to be suspicious. Maybe I was curious and wanted to try it again.

In unison, we all drank our Moxie. As sounds of disgust filled the room, I know my goal had been accomplished. The previous friend had been a fluke. Everyone in the room seemed to think it was terrible! It was a complete success! My duty to Moxie had been fulfilled. I had passed it on to others and I could finally wash many hands of it.

Unfortunately for me, Moxie was not done with me yet. I honestly cannot remember the exact reason it happened. What I do know is that around a year later, my friend Andy (one of the people I had given Moxie to) and I decided to try Moxie again. We found out that a liquor store in New Jersey actually carried it. After buying a good 24 cans there (or was it 48) we went back to my room. We tried Moxie again and this time, for some reason, it was not as bad as we remembered it.

Since then I've formulated a theory. Moxie kills taste buds. There is something in Moxie that tastes so bad that it actually kills the very sensors that are capable of tasting it. Once those taste buds are gone, Moxie actually tastes quite nice. I have heard more recently a rule about drinking Moxie for the first time. No matter what, you need to take at three sips of Moxie. The first two sips might taste bad and turn you off from the idea, but the third sip will be fine. Maybe that's the quantity of Moxie it takes to guarantee the death of those taste buds. Is killing those taste buds such a bad thing? If you think about it, now you are less capable of tasting bad things. After drinking Moxie, everything will theoretically taste just a little bit better. Sure, they evolved to warn us when we are about to eat something that could be dangerous to our health. In our modern society, this is not as necessary anymore. I, for one, am willing to make this sacrifice!

In any case, I had a lot of Moxie left and a lot of friends who still had not tried it. That, however, is a story for another time

Funny Cause It's True

How Ryan Met Moxie